Tales from my Ovaries: Tampon Nightmares

Warning: The following blog entry includes lady talk. You’ve been warned.

When I hit puberty, my mom (aka Judy Smooth) repeatedly told me never to wear tampons. She claimed they were gross and would give you “the toxic shock syndrome”. If you notice, I put that phrase in quotes because Judy Smooth has her own version of the English language. As I mentioned in previous posts she has various antidotes and putting “the” before things is just one of the many. For example, she might say, “Mary called yesterday and her sister Beatrice has THE cancer”. Emphasis on the “the”.

Anyways, I never wore tampons. Ever. I survived by using maxi pads until the rightful age of 29. I missed many a swimming activity because Aunt Flo stopped by for a week long visit. A few months ago, I thought what the hell and tried out a free sample of tampons I received in the mail.

Now, I’m not an idiot. I know where they go, how they work and what not, but I figured I’d be smart and use Google to make sure I didn’t do anything wrong. Mistake #1. Google pulled up a butt load of results that pretty much said I may already have TSS because I looked at tampon. Go away Google search. Time to just read the instructions for anything I didn’t already know. Nope, I knew it all.

Insertion and use went¬†surprisingly¬†well. After a few hours I was comfortable and didn’t worry about something being in my snack pack and things were perfectly fine. I’ve been using tampons for a few months and enjoy the freedom and comfort of not having titanic maxi pads in my pants. On with the story….

A few weeks ago I started having some major trouble staying asleep. If I heard a noise, I’d wake up, panic and lay awake in bed for over an hour trying to fall back to sleep. A lot of those nights I was awake more than I was asleep and I was driving Randy nuts. He resorted to sleeping on the couch so he could actually get some rest.

I discussed this with my BFF Tracey and we decided it was time for me try some sleeping pills. Since I didn’t think this was a serious problem I bought some generic “sleep aid” gel caps at my local Wal-Mart. They’re cheap and work great. I’ve been sleeping so much better! I fall asleep faster and wake up feeling refreshed, something I’ve greatly missed.

The trouble started two nights ago when Aunt Flo showed up for a visit again… For whatever reason, my snack pack was all tense and captain tampon just didn’t feel comfortable. We aborted ship and tried again. Success.

Don’t make fun of me, I’m new at this tampon thing.

With my sleeping pill down the hatch, an hour later I was ready for bed. I fell asleep fast and into a very strange nightmare…

In my nightmare I had TSS and my mom screamed and screamed at me in the hospital. The doctors had to pull out all kinds of stuff from my lady area…. We’re talking 7 tampons, a stuffed bunny, a tennis ball, an egg roll and half a pack of cigarettes. (For my own personal piece of mind, I choose to tell you that NONE of those things have ever been in my vagina. Except a tampon. One at a time.)

I remember crying and telling my mom I had to hide my stuffed bunny and it was the only safe place. Hubby sat in the corner of the room telling the doctor he thought his remote control was up there and refused to believe I was empty.

I was huge… swollen up like the Stay Puft Man and had tampon strings coming out of my fingernails.

I woke up right after the remote control argument and had tears rolling down my face. Apparently crying in my dream equals me crying in real life. I jumped out of bed, ran to the bathroom, pulled the plug and put on a pad.

Never again will I wear a tampon to bed… I’m scared to death that in the morning I’ll pull that tiny little string and a remote control will pop out.

P.S. I still haven’t told my mom I use tampons. She’d just tell me my snack pack was going to rot off.

Comments

  1. Oh you poor thing. I laughed many times, I have tears in my eyes. I feel awful about the nightmare, but I’m going to admit, I laughed then too.

  2. I was told the same thing about tampons growing up and pretty much did the same thing you did but without the dreams.. Too funny! I had a good laugh this morning.. Thanks!

  3. My goodness this is so funny to read. For you I can imagine the dream was horrible and so realistic. I was never told to wear tampons but grew up in a generation of “THE” TSS scare! I personally never cared for tampons based on my comfort level, it always felt as though it never stayed snug & was working it’s way out. I always wondered if my body was somehow rejecting the use of them. If I’m not mistaken it’s recommended to wear pads to bed because of the amount of time we spend without changing the tampon?

  4. Donna Cheatle says:

    OMG…I’m not laughing at you, I promise. Ok, I lied, I’m laughing. I’m reading this and in my head I can actually hear your mom, and mine, lecturing about THE tampon! While I never had a nightmare the likes of the one you describe (Thank God), I can just imagine my husband having the same reaction as yours!!

  5. Susan S.,TN says:

    Funniest story ever!!! Ur not alone, I was late 20′s before I wore a tampon. Never had anyone to tell or show me. I think the older u r the mire uncomfortable the tampons are. 10+ yrs later & still dont like em’.. lol

  6. kentuckygal50 says:

    I had to teach myself how to use tampons, cause my Mother sure as heck wasn’t going to. Now, in part due to my husband’s, and our two sons’ fanship of Jeff Dunham, they are called “missiles” at our house.

  7. chelesa sims says:

    Iam so sorry that you had that nightmare but for what it’s worth I don’t wear tampax to bed either.I don’t wear them like I use to I find that they are uncomfortable.

  8. I’m 52 years old and have been using tampons EXCLUSIVELY for 39 years. (yes, i still need them.) i am also 52 years and have never in my life had a vaginal yeast infection. get rid of those nasty pads! i could never tolerate the mess.

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