My day just got ten times better with a laugh that had me gasping for breath and peeing my pants. Yes, I really did pee my pants. All the cool kids pee their pants. (If you didn’t catch the Billy Madison reference, you best go watch that movie!)
I bought a Velata fondue pot today at the local festival downtown and thought I’d try it out with some milk chocolate and strawberries. I plugged ‘er in, heated the chocolate and dipped my little heart out. I had a bunch of strawberries so I thought I’d be a good daughter and take some to my parents across the driveway.
My parents both loved the strawberries and I sat on the couch to chat a bit with my Mom. If you’ve read my blog entry about my Mom from awhile back, you’ll already know she’s an nut. Today, she took that nuttiness to a whole ‘notha level.
I was telling her that the vampire at the doctor’s office said “hello” today as I was getting my blood drawn… Then the conversation went something like this:
Mom: Why were you at the doctor’s office? What for?
Me: Bloodwork. I’ve got to have my check up and pap smear done next week.
Mom: Oh, good.
Me: No, not good. It’s been eight years since I’ve had one.
Mom: Jesus, Maggie. You know better. You have to stay on top of that.
Me: Yea, I know. I just stress about it. What if there’s something wrong and they want to yank out my lady parts. You did have cancer twice, remember? I’d like to have a baby before they take all my stuff out or I get cancer or somethin’.
Mom (sits quietly and stares at me for a whole thirty seconds)….
Mom: Why don’t you ask the doctor if I can carry a baby for you?
This is where the hysterical laughter between me and my dad broke loose. In case you didn’t know, my mom has ZERO lady parts. She hasn’t for roughly nine years due to her first bout with cancer. The second bout this past year was the left over cells forming a tumor. To sum it up, she has nothing down yonder.
Me: First off… EWW. Secondly, hell fucking no. And finally, YOU DON’T HAVE A UTERUS MOM! Where’s the baby going to live?
Mom: I don’t know, it’ll find a place in there.
Me: What’s it going to do? (Laughing hysterically) Grab a kidney and hope you don’t cough it loose?
Mom: Well I don’t know. Maybe they could stick it somewhere.
Dad: Jesus Christ, Judy. You don’t have a WOMB!
Me: I’m going home. I need to call my brother. And I peed my pants.
So there you have it. My mom thinks she can carry a baby for me and that’s just something normal for a woman with ZERO lady parts. Let’s not forget she’s almost 68 and can barely walk around the house. Can you imagine her being huge and pregnant?
My brother John is always insightful and suggested we could shoot the egg and sperm into her and just duct tape her shut. Yup… that’s how we do some redneck impregnating around here!
I hope you enjoyed this installment of Judy says…