My dad is a hot freakin’ mess. He was kicked out of high school because he punched a teacher just before graduation and had to get his GED. Then he went into the U.S. Army and served his time in Korea. He’s told me way too many stories about things that happened in the army… but not near as many as he has about his truck driving days.
Dad was an over the road truck driver for almost thirty years before heart problems landed him on disability. Most of his runs were to the East Coast and he had friends there at the frequent stops. Along the way to and from Indiana, he’d see strippers, pimps, fights, guns, nekid people and everything in between. “People are nuts out there…” was mumbled more than once.
One of my favorite stories is this… Dad stopped at a truck stop on the East Coast to use the facilities. On his way into the building from the parking lot, a couple guys walked by and said, “You might want to see if you can help that guy in there”. Dad didn’t know what they were talking about but he ignored them.
Everything seemed kosher as he headed into the men’s bathroom until he saw a head peeking over the stall begging for help. The guy begged and begged and Dad ignored the man as much as he could. Finally the guy said “Look, just kick open the stall door, you’ll see why I need help. Please.”
So Dad carefully kicked open the door and immediately doubled over laughing his ass off. Apparentlyyyyy someone talked this stupid trucker into sticking his winky dink through a hole in the stall divider. Once he did, they lassoed it and tied it off across the stall to the toilet paper holder, leaving the winky dink sticker stuck. He couldn’t go up and he couldn’t go down.
By the time Dad kicked open that door his little weiner bob was purple, blue and almost black from the lack of oxygen and constant pulling from the guy to get loose. Dad couldn’t stop laughing enough to cut the poor man loose and left the bathroom in tears.
He immediately called my Mom to tell her the story and all she did was scream at him. Mom thought he’d finished his driving for the day and was completely drunk. He couldn’t explain the story or talk very well because of his still constant laughter. He gave up and headed back to his truck…
A few minutes later a few guys came out with the winky dink sticker in tow. The idiot finally found someone to cut him loose and help him out to his truck. Must have hurt… Dad said the guy could barely walk and just hung his head in shame. Great prank though!
So enough talk of weiners… more about my Dad. He’s a walking disaster. He’s got diabetes, heart disease, auto-immune liver disease, back problems, hip problems, COPD from smoking since the age of 14 and most recently, one leg.
The one-legged drama started over a year ago when he had symptoms of gout in his left foot. He swore up and down to his family doctor it didn’t feel like gout since he’d dealt with that before. He knew it was something else. And sure ’nuff, it was. Multiple surgeries later, they ended up amputating part of his left foot. The cause? Vascular disease that builds up plaque in his arteries.
More surgeries throughout the year to try to save his leg and clean those arteries out and rebuild the veins. A month ago, he was back in the hospital with more problems with those same arteries. They’d done all they could, the only option left was amputate.
The amputated on June 5, 2012 above his left knee while I was driving back from my vacation in Florida. My brother was there with my Mom and him for the surgery and snapped this picture on his iPhone just after he moved into a regular room from recovery. The text message subject was “Ren and Stumpy”. And yes, Ren is my Momma.
Also, please be thankful my dad is covering his wiener. That thing is always popping out of hospital gowns and scaring people away.
So that’s my Dad in a nutshell. He’s an honest man with simple standards. He loves his grandsons to the moon and back. It upsets him to no end that he can’t work because of his health problems but bothers him more that he can’t pick up his two grandsons. I’m working on convincing the oldest of the two Isaac that Papaw is getting a pirate leg!